Bad Habit
by Xhakaboom
Summary: It was just a bad habit, at least that's what she told herself. (tw for an eating disorder and self harm)
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: Hey there! So er, this is my first fanfiction. I hope you enjoy it. I don't own Friends etc etc

(I'm a terrible person for writing this.) Just as a note, I do have experience with this kind of thing…not bulimia exactly but I do make myself throw up after eating (on that note, pls don't do it! It can damage you. Seek help if you do or if you believe you have any kind of eating disorder.)

Anyway, on with the story…

It was just a bad habit.

That's what she told herself at least, lots of people had them. Granted not many people had a habit that could potentially kill them or cause serious damage, but she wasn't going to think about that. Not now.

She checked for the tenth time that the apartment was empty. It was a routine easy enough to get back into.

A click of the lock.

A sigh.

Fingers forced down her throat.

It took longer to work than she remembered. Of course that was a long time ago and it was only recently she'd resorted to old methods.

 _Flashback_

 _It was the day after thanksgiving, Monica's worst thanksgiving so far._

 _Normally she'd be thrilled. Normally she'd wake up early and rush down to start on the leftovers. Her mother always cooked too much on thanksgiving._

 _But not today. No. She'd be good. She'd show Chandler, and everyone else. She could be thin._

 _She could hear her brother in the living room, playing records, trying to impress Rachel. Monica sighed as he rambled on about The Smiths, putting on yet another album._

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me

 _Chandler passed where she sat on the stairs, not even acknowledging her._

No hope - but no harm, just another false alarm

 _"Hey Chandler, have you seen Mon?" She could hear Ross asked._

 _"She's on the stairs. Hard to miss her" Laughter._

 _"Hey man, stop"_

 _Silence._

Last night I felt, real arms around me

 _She'd show him alright. She couldn't believe for a second she'd liked him._

 _She still did if she was being completely honest._

No hope - no harm, just another false alarm  
So, tell me how long, before the last one?

 _She barely heard her mother telling her they were going to drop Rachel off home, and Ross and Chandler were going to a friend's house so would she be ok?_

 _Of course she would._

 _The door shut and finally she was alone._

 _Monica walked into the kitchen. The fridge was still full of leftovers and it all looked so good._

 _No, she couldn't._

 _Instead she helped herself to an apple._

 _It didn't fill her up as much as she'd hoped. A tiny slice of pie couldn't hurt could it? It was practically lunch time anyway._

 _Before she knew it, she'd gone through about a quarter of pie._

 _She stood there horrified. She was weak. Weak and pathetic. No wonder she was alone. No wonder she was fat._

 _She had an idea._

 _She looked through the medicine cabinet looking. She had overheard her father mentioning something about laxatives a few weeks ago. She wasn't entirely sure they would work the way she wanted but it was better than nothing._

 _They weren't there._

 _The cabinet was empty apart from plasters and a couple of bottles of painkillers._

 _That wasn't the only way to get rid of food._

 _She couldn't believe she was considering this._

 _She walked to the bathroom. No one would be home for a while. Anxiously she pushed two fingers down her throat. It made her gag but nothing came up._

 _It took a few tries but finally it worked. She smiled._

 _Maybe eating wasn't the end of the world after all._

End flashback

She didn't know what exactly it was that made her start _that_ again. Maybe it was the fact she'd gained a little weight recently, a few pounds. It was nothing really but it annoyed her. She knew how easy it was to slip up and weight to rocket.

She also knew how easy it could be to lose it.

 _I won't do it forever_ she told herself, _I just need to lose a few more pounds._


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for your reviews! You're all so sweet 3

Monica woke up early for the first time in a while. Since she'd been working the late shift at work recently she'd found herself sleeping in, it didn't really help that she was so tired all of the time.

She'd even started taking vitamins to help with the exhaustion. Despite everything, she did know how to take care of herself.

By now she was used to the constant tiredness and the occasional dizziness. It hadn't taken her long at all to fall back into old routines.

Of course now it was different. She had friends, and a boyfriend.

It didn't make sense.

She was happier than she'd been for a while and yet here she was with a notebook full of calories in each food and a sore throat and red eyes.

That didn't mean she was unhappy, she told herself. On the contrary, she was very happy. She was in control.

"Hey" She hadn't even heard the door opening.

"Hey" She said, her face lighting up at the sight of her boyfriend.

"You're up early."

"I wanted to see you before you went to work"

"That's sweet. I was thinking, you could stay over at my apartment tonight."

"Ok. Will it be safe? With Ross…"

"He never notices me sneaking out"

"Sure. I'll come over after work"

"I look forward to it" Chandler smiles "I need to go. I'll see you later ok? I love you"

"I love you too" They kiss for a minute then hurriedly break apart, aware that anyone could walk in at any second.

Chandler leaves and Monica's alone again. She knows the rest of the gang will be round soon, she better start cooking.

She doesn't even want to think about tonight yet. Chandler will undoubtedly eat something, meaning she will have to as well, which means…

She has enough trouble throwing up in her own apartment.

She only hopes Joey and Ross won't be in.

Rachel is easy enough, she can tell her any old thing. She's dating a guy from work. She met someone. She's going out…

The rest of the gang arrives half an hour later and Monica already has bacon frying and waffles toasting.

She will eat later.

At least that what she plans.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" Joey asks her. Trust Joey to notice that.

She smiles "I'm not hungry and besides, I don't like eating this early"

"You normally eat" Phoebe points out

Monica smiles and takes a piece of toast. That won't hurt her. She makes sure to chew it well.

Everyone's left by 9am. It's been 20 minutes since Monica's eaten so she once again goes into the bathroom and locks the door.

"Mon?" She didn't expect anyone to come back.

Shit.

"Are you ok in there?" It's Joey.

Monica freezes "I…I'm fine"

"Are you sure?"

"I'll be out in a minute"

She's gotten most of it out so she wipes her mouth and walks out. Thankfully she's got mints in her pockets so she puts one in her mouth.

"Are you ok?" Joey asks, he looks concerned.

"I'm fine" She assures him.

"Well ok…You can talk to me about…anything"

"I know. I'm fine. But thank you. Are you ok? I thought you had rehearsals for that play"

"At 10. I came to raid your fridge"

"Go ahead" Monica smiles. She's glad Joey comes and eats out of their fridge, it gives her an excuse to buy food even if she's not going to be eating most of it.

Joey finds some leftover pizza and decides that'll do. Something's going on with Monica, he can tell. He just needs to find out what…

 _ **Flashback**_

 _People were going to find out sooner or later, they had to. As far as her family were aware, Monica was eating a normal diet but she was losing weight fast. Fast enough for even her parents to become suspicious._

 _Monica overhears her parents talking one night._

 _"I'm telling you, something's wrong"_

 _"Nothing's wrong Jack. She's a teenager. It's a strange time. Besides, she's losing weight. That's good"_

 _"It is good but she shouldn't be losing this much this quickly"_

 _"We'll keep an eye on her and if things carry on we'll talk to her"_

 _Monica walked into her room. She needed to be more careful. Thankfully the bathroom was at the other end of the corridor from her parents' room so the chances of them hearing her actually throwing up were very low and now that her brother was away at college for most of the year there was no one else to catch her._

 _She couldn't wait until she could go to college. It would be so much easier._

 _But before she knows it, her brother's back and she feels suffocated._

 _It's not Ross's fault. Not at all. She's just gotten used to being alone with her parents and now she has to be even more careful. Ross' room is right next to the bathroom._

 _She decides to purge outside._

 _Everything collapses pretty quickly after that. Monica's at a good weight, just another few pounds and she'll be perfect._

 _She's been pushing people away. She knows it but she doesn't realise how much until her brother knocks on her door and she sees how much he's changed. Then again, she's changed too._

 _"Hey. Can I come in?"_

 _"Sure" Monica says. Ross shuts her door and sits on the edge of her bed._

 _"So…you lost weight"_

 _"I did" Monica smiles, it's sick but she likes it when people notice her hard work._

 _"Mom and dad are worried"_

 _"I know. They shouldn't be. God, they were the ones saying how much I needed to lose it and when I do they complain! I can't win!"_

 _"It was too fast Mon and you know it"_

 _"It wasn't. It's more noticeable when you're as big as I was"_

 _Ross sighs "I know what you're doing. Please. Stop"_

 _"I…"_

 _"Mon. I know. Don't deny it please. I'm scared"_

 _"It's ok. Really, it is. I'm fine!"_

 _"Are you? You seem tired and you look pale"_

 _"I feel fine. But ok, I'm happy with my weight now. I'll stop. I promise"_

 _"Thank you"_

 _Silence._

 _"So. How's college?" Monica asks_

 _Ross smiles. It's no longer awkward between them now he's brought_ that _up._

 _They sit there talking until dinner._

 _Of course Ross won't leave her alone after dinner. She doesn't need to throw it up anyway. She doesn't throw up all her food and it was a healthy dinner._

 _She doesn't need to throw it up._

 _She doesn't need to._

 _She promised._

 _She sits in her room. It's been an hour since dinner. It's too late now. She's frustrated and it's strange to feel so full._

 _She doesn't like it._

 _She knows she needs to stop. The logical part of her knows it's dangerous and that she'll be fine if she just eats a little healthier._

 _She can't help feeling bad._

 _She's weak. Pathetic._

 _She stabs a compass into her arm._


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hi guys! Thanks for reading this and for the reviews and favourites! It means a lot :)

Joey's worried.

There's something up with Monica, he can tell. He may not be book smart but he can read people fairly well and he knows when something's up. Especially when it comes to food.

He thinks about it all the way to his audition instead of going over lines in his head. That's unimportant right now. There will be other plays.

Even so, he gets a call back.

He'll talk to Chandler. He'll know what to do, he always does.

Monica stays in all morning. She really should go and do laundry but she's too tired. She does manage to clean the bathroom and do the washing up.

She doesn't have to be in work for another 2 hours so she watches TV for a bit, trying to focus on what's happening rather than the thoughts in her head.

It's been happening a lot recently and she just can't concentrate. It's always about food. Has she eaten too much? When should she eat next? Should she throw it up? It's a constant monologue in her head going round and round and driving her crazy.

She can't even enjoy work anymore. Strangely enough it's not the food that bothers her, it's the exhaustion and the constant planning of what she's going to eat and if anyone will be in.

She almost passes out twice.

Chandler can't get home soon enough.

The day drags on and on, the list of tasks he has to do seems to last forever. He finishes just after 5, fingers aching, head spinning.

He can't wait to see Monica later.

He gets home to find Joey sitting in his chair, flicking through the latest issue of Playboy.

"Hey, how was the audition? The Crucible wasn't it?"

Joey jumps "Yeah! It was good, I got a call back"

"That's brilliant! I'll read lines with you sometime"

"Thanks man"

Chandler puts his briefcase down and pours himself some orange juice.

"Is Monica ok at the moment?"

Chandler freezes. Does Joey know about them? "W…what do you mean? I think so I don't see her that much"

"She hasn't been eating much lately and I thought I heard her…throwing up"

"Oh" Now that he thinks about it, he can't remember the last time he's seen Monica eating a proper meal "Maybe, I'll have to watch next time we all eat together" He's worried now. How hasn't he noticed something?

"Thanks. I'm worried"

"No problem. Now let me look at this script"

Monica gets home just after 11pm.

She doesn't know what time to go round to Chandler's apartment. She decides to get changed into her pyjamas and then head over. She's exhausted but she promised Chandler she'll go over. She hates this, she can't start pushing everyone away again.

She knocks on the door to apartment 19, just in case Ross and Joey are around. Chandler opens it and pulls her inside

"Quickly!" They run into Chandler's room

"Sorry" Chandler says laughing "Ross is in the bathroom"

He pulls Monica closer and kisses her gently. "I missed you today"

"I missed you too" Monica says "How was your day?"

"Long. Boring. Same as ever. How was yours?"

"Tiring" Monica yawns. At least she can use work as an excuse as to why she's so tired.

"At least we're both off tomorrow. I was thinking, how about I take you out to that new Italian place?"

"Oh" She's panicking now "Yes that would be nice" It'll be ok. She'll think of something.

"Good, we haven't been out just the two of us for a while"

"No, it'll be nice."

"So…you wanna?" Chandler smiles

"I'm kind of tired. Sorry" She feels bad, really she does but she's just too exhausted.

"It's ok you don't have to be sorry. I'm tired too. Oh have you eaten?"

"Yeah I had something after work"

"Well if you're sure"

They settles down together in bed. Monica can't stop overthinking everything. What will she do tomorrow? Are they going to be found out? Should they just tell everyone about their relationship? That would be less stressful for her anyway…

Eventually she drifts off into an uneasy sleep.

 ** _Flashback_**

 _She's trying to stop. Really, she is._

 _It's hard though. She's being doing it for too long for it to be easy._

 _Her parent haven't mentioned anything to her. She's wearing baggy clothes and avoids them as much as possible._

 _Ross phones her once a week, it's easier to lie over the phone though. She is trying, she is._

 _She keeps scratching her arm, it keeps her focused. It's never deep, it's not a big deal._

 _She eats in school again, not much but it's something and her grades are going back up so her parents get off her back._

 _She gains 2 pounds in a week._

 _She panics and slips up. She doesn't care, she shouldn't be putting on any weight. She throws up her lunch the next day at school and passes out._

 _The nurse makes her eat some toast and lets her rest for a little while. Monica convinces her not to tell her parents, she just felt a bit dizzy it's warm out._

 _She'll be fine._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Sorry this took a bit longer to upload! Thank you everyone for your reviews :D**

 **Someone- Yes I always thought it was strange that no one mentioned anything. She lost a load of weight in a year. I'm not too sure how much she weighed before/after she lost the weight but it did seem strange. I've had so many debates about that haha!**

 **Anyway, on with the story...**

The next morning Monica tries to stay in bed for as long as possible to avoid breakfast. She should've known that wasn't possible.

"Mon?" Chandler reaches across to kiss her forehead "I know you're awake"

"Ok, 'm up" Monica yawns.

"Joey and Ross will be up soon"

"Kay I'm up" She sits up, waiting for the dizziness to wash over her. All this sneaking around is starting to tire her out.

"Ok it's clear" Chandler says, opening the door for her. Monica walks quietly into her own apartment to start breakfast.

She's hungry but Chandler's taking her out for dinner tonight so she can't eat much. She makes herself a mug of black coffee whilst she fries the eggs and bacon and makes endless amounts of toast.

Rachel joins her at the table a little while later, and Joey and Chandler arrive shortly after, all piling their plates high with food. Monica's glad they all eat so much. Thankfully they seem too preoccupied with conversation to notice what Monica is, or rather isn't, eating.

 _It'll be ok, she can do this. Maybe she can have something small for lunch and jog it off before this evening._

The sound of the door opening pulls her from her thoughts. Ross and Phoebe join them at the table.

"Aren't you eating Mon?" Joey asks as he starts on his 2nd plate.

"Oh no, I had something before" Everyone's looking at them now. Great.

"Well ok" Joey says "Although, come to think of it you didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch yesterday"

"I had breakfast and….and I always eat at work" She shoots a glance at Chandler, mentally begging him to change the subject.

"So Joey, how are you getting on with your lines for this play?"

Monica smiles at Chandler, thanking him for saving her from further questions. He gives her a look that says 'yes, but we need to talk later'. Crap.

After breakfast, Monica tries to avoid Chandler. She washes up, showers and then gets dressed but when she walks into the living room he's there.

"Hey" Chandler says "They went to the coffee house, I said I'd wait for you"

"Thanks"

"Look Mon, we need to talk"

"Ok" She sits down next to him, dreading what's coming.

"I'm worried about you and I know Joey is too. You don't seem to be eating much and Joey said he heard you throwing up. And to be honest, I've noticed you going to the bathroom after you've eaten"

"I'm fine, I promise" She says "I just haven't been feeling too good recently. It's nothing to worry about. Anyway, coffee house?"

Chandler sighs. He's not going to get anywhere "Ok. You can talk to me about anything you know."

"I know"

"Still want to go out for dinner later?"

"Yes. Chandler, I'm fine"

"Ok good. Let's go find the others"

 _Flashback_

 _Before Monica knows it, it's the summer before she's going to college. It's a catering school in the city. She's got the grades somehow so now she just needs to get through this summer, then she'll be away from her parents and everything will be fine._

 _It's ironic, she thinks, that she wants to become a chef. She's always liked cooking and it's gotten to a point where the smell doesn't make her hungry any more._

 _It's hard now she's not at school and with her parents pretty much 24/7. They're definitely starting to suspect something._

 _They pretty much force her to eat at mealtimes and keep an eye on her afterwards. Her mother is being nicer to her now._

 _Ross comes home for the summer eventually. He stays in mainly, working on his dissertation and plans for after he graduates. Chandler comes around a few times. Monica talks to him and even makes him dinner but for the most part she leaves them alone._

 _It's risky for Monica to throw up in the house now. Most days she'll go for a walk and do it in the bathroom of a little café a few blocks away, or in a quiet area of the local park._

 _It's working. At least she thinks it is. Her parents are happy she's getting out and don't seem to be bothering her as much._

 _But then one day she arrives home to Ross sitting on her bed._

 _"You need to tell mom and dad"_

 _"What?" She asks, confused. She hasn't done anything, as far as she can remember._

 _"You're still doing it…this..."_

 _"Doing what? I'm not doing anything"_

 _"Right, I know what you're doing. You barely eat and what you do eat you throw up! Please. You need help"_

 _"I'm fine. Honestly"_

 _"You're not, and it's scaring me"_

 _"I'm fine"_

 _"If you don't tell them, I will."_

 _Monica sighed. She should've known someone would find out eventually. Ross truly did look scared though. She had considered stopping for a while…_

 _"Fine" She says quietly. "I'll tell them. Can you come with me?"_

 _"Of course. Thank you. It'll be ok, I promise"_

 **Thanks for reading! Oh and if anyone has any ideas at all, just let me know! Hope you enjoyed it :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! Again, thanks for your reviews :)**

 **WishUponAFangirl- Thank you for your idea! I'm going to use it...I hope you like it :p**

 **Also I think my account, or at least some parts of it, are going a bit weird so apologies if that's affecting this fanfic or anything.**

 **(oh also, I think this would be set around season 5 maybe? When only Joey knows about Monica and Chandler dating. To be honest I didn't really think about that when I was writing it! The flashback is set when Monica's in her final year of high school)**

Monica was anxious. Chandler was catching on to what she was doing and she'd noticed him watching her closely at the coffee house.

She fastened her necklace and brushed her hair out of her face. It was going to be fine. Even so, she couldn't stop shaking.

 _Calm down_ , she told herself, _you're going to have a nice evening. Do you really want your boyfriend to see you like this?_

It took a few minutes but finally she was calm enough to walk outside and face Chandler.

"Hey" She said.

"Wow" Chandler couldn't take his eyes off her "You look…wow"

"Thanks" Monica smiled, wanting to get the night over with

"Right, we better get going" Chandler said, draping his jacket around Monica's shoulders.

The restaurant looked very posh and Monica wondered how on earth Chandler had managed to get reservations, they even managed to get seated right away.

"Well this all looks great" Chandler said "What are you going to order?"

Monica glanced at the menu. It was bad enough that Chandler had insisted on them ordering a bottle of wine. "It does look great. Probably the soup of the day and fettuccine alfredo for the main"

"No dessert?"

"No thanks, I can never manage 3 courses" That was believable enough. She also decided to get a glass of water as well.

Chandler ordered and the waiter took their menus away.

"You look beautiful" Chandler said, reaching across the table to brush hair out of Monica's face. "I'm so lucky"

"You don't look too bad yourself" Monica smiled "How did you manage to get us reservations here?"

"It's all about who you know babe"

By the time their food arrived 15 minutes later, Monica had stopped feeling tense. However, when the food came, her feelings came back twice as strong.

The soup looked nice and it was served with 2 pieces of bread and croutons. Ok. She didn't have to eat both of the pieces of bread, or the croutons. It was tomato soup but it still made her nervous. She didn't know how many calories were in it or what ingredients were used.

 _Stop fussing and eat!_ She told herself.

"This is great" Chandler said.

"It is" Monica had to agree. It was very good soup. She finished it, and to her horror, one piece of bread and half the croutons.

Once she'd started it was hard to stop.

 _You're going to get fat again. Fat fat fat._

Chandler didn't say anything and ate the other piece of bread himself.

"That was some good soup" Chandler said "Not as good as your homemade soups though"

"Thanks. I wonder how long the main courses will take?"

"I think they said about 25 minutes. They're quite busy tonight" Chandler said "But that's ok, because I'm here with the most gorgeous woman"

Monica blushed. 25 minutes. She'd have to throw up before the main and then again after.

Damn. She hadn't planned on doing that.

 _It's better than you being fat._

After 20 minutes the food still hadn't arrived. Monica excused herself and headed to the bathroom. It was empty.

 _It's all about control._

The stalls had pretty thick walls as well.

She tied her hair back and got on with it.

Chandler was pretty certain he knew what Monica was doing in the bathroom but he didn't want to ruin their evening out. He could be wrong. She loved Italian food.

It was only when she went to the bathroom a second time after the main course that he got really suspicious.

He got his phone out and called Joey.

"Hello?"

"It's Chandler"

"Hey man, how's it going?"

"Good, it's good. Listen, about Monica. You may have been right. This is the second time she's gone to the bathroom"

"Well maybe she…oh"

"Yes! I can't go in there. I don't know what to do"

"It's ok. We'll work something out ok? Just enjoy your date. Phoebe's here. She'll help"

Chandler sighed, he couldn't think of anything better. "Ok, thanks man. Just don't tell her we're dating. We're not ready for everyone to know yet. I'll see you later ok?"

"It's going to be ok. Bye"

"Bye"

They left pretty quickly after that.

When Chandler got in, Phoebe and Joey were waiting for him.

"Ok, what did you guys come up with?" He asked

"We're going to have to confront her" Phoebe said "That's the only way to get the truth out. And maybe if she knows that people know it'll get her to stop. Why are you all dressed up anyway?"

"A man can't look nice for a meal with a friend? You're right anyway. Oh god I wish there was an easier way to do this"

"So do we but we need to, for Monica" Joey said.

"Tomorrow morning then. We'll go and just, talk"

"We'll be there. It's going to be ok."

When Monica walked into apartment 20, Rachel was sitting on the couch.

"Hey! Where've you been?"

"Someone from work took me out" She said, it was a bad lie but she was too tired to care.

"Great! Look Mon, we need to talk"

"Oh" Monica panicked. "I just need to get changed first ok?"

"Sure. Hey, do you want a cookie? Phoebe brought them over before"

"No thanks."

"Come on, they're your favourite!"

"Fine" Monica took one and went into her room.

She didn't have to eat the cookie, she could throw it away and Rachel would never know. She did like them though, Phoebe did make amazing cookies and Monica was starting to feel hungry again after throwing up dinner.

Before she knew what she was doing, she'd eaten the whole cookie. She had a bottle of water left on her bedside table so she drank the rest of that and then went to the bathroom.

"Just having a shower" She said to Rachel "We can talk after"

"Ok" Rachel didn't even look up from her magazine.

Monica double checked the door was locked, touching the handle twice with each hand. Then she made her way over to the toilet.

Seat up.

Deep breath.

 _She was so tired._

Fingers under the tap.

 _You have to do this._

Fingers down throat.

 _Such a failure_

Her gag reflex was getting worse.

 _Keep trying. You have to do it._

Black spots blocking her vision.

 _This wouldn't be happening if you didn't eat that cookie._

She couldn't get anything up.

 _Fat cow fat cow fat cow_

She was shaking.

 _No control no control no control_

She was…

Rachel heard a crash from the bathroom, she looked up from her magazine "Mon? Are you ok?"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and reviewing :D**

"Monica?" Rachel shouted.

Silence.

She rushed over to the door and knocked.

No response.

Fearing the worst she ran at the door, hoping she could break it down.

No such luck.

 _Damn these strong doors._

Desperate, she ran across the hall, hammering on the door to apartment 19.

"Wow calm down Rach" Joey said "what's up?"

"I heard a…in the bathroom…Monica…I don't think….I couldn't get the door down!"

"Woah Rach. Breathe. It's ok. Chandler!"

Chandler came out of his room "What?"

"It's Mon" Rachel said "You need to break the bathroom door down. I think something happened"

"On it" Chandler said as he and Joey went next door.

Rachel stayed in apartment 19, pacing around the living room.

 _If only she'd spoken to Monica earlier_

 _If only she'd paid more attention to what her roommate was doing_

 _If only she'd made Monica talk as soon as she'd gotten in_

 _If only if only if only_

"Hey what's going on?" Ross asked coming out of the bathroom.

Rachel jumped "Jeez Ross! I forgot you were here. They went…"

She cut off as she heard what sounded like their bathroom door being broken down. Ross looked at Rachel, confused, then he ran into the other apartment.

"No Ross!" Rachel shouted but found herself following him.

Chandler ran past her.

"Is she ok?" Rachel asked

"She's conscious now, we're taking her to the emergency room just in case"

"Thank god! I'll come with you"

Rachel went to the bathroom and found Chandler and Ross helping Monica up.

"Mon? Are you ok?" Rachel asked

"Yeah, I'm sorry I've been tired recently"

"Hmm" Rachel wasn't so sure.

"Do we have to go to the hospital?" Monica asked

"Yes, you may have hit your head" Ross said "It's best to get it checked out anyway"

"Ok let's get her down to the car" Joey said

"I'm fine!"

"Sure you are" Rachel sighed

"Hey Rach" Chandler said as the other two started helping Monica out of the apartment "What happened?"

"I don't know, she said she was going to have a shower and then a few minutes later I hear a bang and then she wasn't answering so I ran to get you guys"

"I don't like the look of this" Chandler said "I hope the doctors can work out what's going on"

"You think…"

"Come on, we better get going" Rachel said "there's definitely something she's not telling us"

 ** _Flashback_**

 _"Mom, dad. We need to talk" Monica says sitting next to Ross on the couch. Their parents sit opposite._

 _"I…Oh god…I need help"_

 _"Oh sweetheart" Her mum says "I'm glad you came to us"_

 _"She hasn't been eating right" Ross says "And making herself throw up"_

 _"Oh Monica, why?" Jack says_

 _"I wanted to be thin but now I know I have a problem. I want to stop."_

 _"I'm proud of you darling and of course we'll help. We'll take you to see Dr Turner in the morning"_

 _"Thanks" Monica said, relieved everything was out in the open._

 _The rest of the day was strange. Everyone was being strangely nice to her, asking what she wanted for dinner and her mother didn't nag at her about anything._

 _Of course after dinner, no one left her alone but she should've expected that. It wasn't too bad at the time, it was only when she was in bed that the thoughts came._

Look what you've done you idiot.

 _She tried to think about something else, anything else._

They're going to make you fat.

 _She was going to be ok._

Weak weak weak.

 _This was all for the best._

You're still too fat to have a problem.

 _Finally morning comes and Monica's nervous. What's the doctor going to say? What can he do?_

 _Monica gets dressed and goes downstairs to find her mother's actually set breakfast out. She never does that, they normally all eat separately._

 _"Hello dear" Her mom says "Help yourself, I made you an appointment for 11"_

 _"Thanks" Monica says, putting two pieces of toast on her plate. She can feel everyone's eyes on her as she eats._

 _All too soon she finds herself sitting in the back of the car. She doesn't understand why all of them have to come with her. Couldn't just her dad have driven her?_

 _The appointment was over quickly. She walked out 20 minutes later with the number of a therapist and instructions for her parents._

 _The car ride home was silent and when they got home, her parents went off into their room to talk. Monica couldn't bring herself to listen. She didn't want to know what they were saying. She knew she'd messed up and she was a failure but she couldn't bear to hear that from them._

 _She was dreading dinner. Lunch had been bad enough and she hadn't even eaten that much. She felt so full, she hated it. She could practically feel herself gaining weight._

 _Judy called her down to set the table at half 5. She sighed and put her book down, walking slowly downstairs to the smell of lasagne and garlic bread._

 _At least she could have water to drink._

 _"We've decided you should at least give this therapist a go." Judy said "She might help. Anyway, your first session's on Thursday. Ross, could you drive your sister?"_

 _"Sure, just tell me where it is" Ross said, smiling sympathetically at Monica._

 _"I'll get the information for you after dinner"_

 _Monica was annoyed. She didn't need therapy! She just wanted to be thin._

 _Therapy would make her fat, it would make her eat more._

 _Besides, she didn't want to be one of_ those _people._


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Sorry it took me a while to get this chapter up! Hope it's ok :)

Chandler sat on chair in the waiting room, plastic cup of coffee in his hand, trying to get comfortable. He felt awful. If only he'd invited Monica back to his apartment after their date. Sure it would've been harder to hide from Joey and Ross but he'd rather them be found out than this.

 _Anything was better than this._

Was it his fault somehow?

"Friends and family of Monica Geller?" A middle aged lady dressed in blue scrubs walked over to them.

"That's right" Ross answered "How is she?"

"Well there are no physical injuries apart from a few scrapes but we're going to keep her in overnight just in case."

"Thank god" Chandler said "So she's ok?"

"Yes, there is one thing though." The doctor said sitting down "Has she been eating properly?"

Chandler and Rachel exchanged a look.

"She looks rather pale and thin, and some of the test results were a little...I mean that may not be the cause…"

"I…I don't know" Chandler said "I mean, we're not with her all the time. She works strange hours but I have noticed she's been a bit…weird with food recently"

Joey and Rachel nodded in agreement.

"Ok thank you. We'll talk to her and see what we can find out" The doctor said, standing up to leave.

"Can we see her?" Rachel asked

"Soon, I'll have someone come and get you"

"Thank you"

"She's not eating?" Ross asked

"Well…I don't know. Something's going on" Rachel said

"I guess we'll find out soon enough" Chandler sighed.

"Maybe that's why she passed out" Joey offered.

"Yeah, I thought I heard her throwing up too" Rachel said

"Not again!" Ross said

"Again?" Chandler asked

Ross sighed "When we were younger she used to make herself throw up sometimes. Remember when she lost all that weight?"

"I knew she couldn't have lost it all with diet and exercise" Rachel said

"Yeah, anyway eventually I made her tell mom and dad and she had a therapist for a bit and she stopped. I can't believe I didn't notice she had started again"

"Yeah she was acting weird on our date…Oh crap" Chandler braced himself for the oncoming storm.

"Date?"

"What the…date?"

"How long have you been…?"

"Ok ok" Chandler said "Yes, me and Monica are dating. We were probably going to tell you all soon. We've been dating for about 6 months now."

"Wow and we had no idea" Rachel said

"Well, I did" Joey smiled

"This is amazing, I'm so happy for you" Rachel said

"Ross? Are you alright?" Chandler asked, looking at Ross who was currently sitting with his head in his hands.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just…a bit of a shock. With Monica and now this…but yeah I'm happy for you. Just, look after her yeah? And if you hurt her…"

"I know I know, you've got nothing to worry about. Now we can focus on Mon?"

"I can't believe none of us noticed" Rachel said.

All of them felt guilty for not noticing something was going on.

"I know" Chandler said "But now the important thing is we help her."

Soon, the same doctor as before approached them, she looked cheerful, even at this ridiculous time.

"You can see your friend now" She said "Only two at a time and keep the noise down. Oh and be quick, she should be sleeping. Room 206 just along there"

They thanked her and headed in the direction she pointed them in.

Chandler was nervous to go in. For one thing, he'd accidently told them that they were dating and going in meant admitting Monica had a problem and she was sick.

 _He didn't know whether he could do that._

"Chandler, maybe you should go in first" Rachel suggested "She'll probably want to see you"

"Yeah ok" Chandler said "I don't want to go in alone"

"I'll go" Ross said

"Thanks"

They walked into the room quietly, neither of them knowing what to expect.

Monica was sitting up in bed, reading a book one of the nurses had given her. She was feeling better now and wanted to sleep but the doctor had said her friends wanted to see her. She was worried, what if they expected something?

 _Should've been more careful_

The door opened and Chandler and Ross were in the doorway.

"Hey" Monica said, grateful to see someone other than the countless medical professionals who had passed through her room earlier.

"Can we come in?"

"Sure" Monica said "God it's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too" Chandler walked over to the bed, hugging her then kissing her mouth softly.

Monica pulled away, all too aware Ross was in the room.

"Oh yeah, about that" Chandler said, "They all kind of know about us. Well except Phoebe but that's because she's not here"

"What? How do they know?"

"I may have accidently told them"

"And no one freaked out?"

"Nope"

"Good."

"How are you feeling?" Ross asked "What have the doctor's said?"

"I'm fine. They're keeping me in overnight but I can go tomorrow. I hit my head but it didn't do any damage"

"Good, that's…good" Chandler said.

There was something she was not telling them.

"Did they say why?"

"I told you, I tripped"

Ross didn't want to push the matter while she was in hospital. He only hoped a doctor or nurse would notice something.

"It's getting late. You guys should be getting back" Monica said, the air was tense in the room now.

"Yeah, we should. Will you be ok?" Chandler asked "I could stay"

"I'll be fine. You have to work tomorrow. Oh, can you phone my boss?"

"Sure"

"Thanks. Tell the guys I said hi and thanks for coming"

"Ok, night Mon. I love you" Chandler said.

They both hugged her quickly and walked out.

"I think I'm going to talk to the doctor" Ross said "That way they can check if she's eating"

"Yeah I think you should" Chandler agreed, "That's her doctor right?" He pointed to a doctor walking into a patient's room just down the corridor.

"Yeah that's her. I'll go wait for her and you go tell the others we're going"

"Ok, we'll meet you in the foyer"

Chandler watched Ross walk off. So much had happened today and all he wanted to do was crawl into bed

 _With Monica_

But she was here. It was for the best he knew, especially if they could sort out her problems with food.

 _You should have noticed._

He walked off to find the other two, they'd be back tomorrow no doubt.

 _She's your girlfriend for god's sake!_

Yes, everything would seem better tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Sorry this has taken me FOREVER to update! Life happened but I've finished uni now (argh!) so I'll probably have more time to write now. Hope you're all ok and sorry this is short :)**

 **Chapter 8**

 _Monica sits quietly in the car next to Ross as he drove her to therapy._

 _Therapy._

 _She couldn't believe it. She was fine! Well, maybe not but she didn't need help, she could help herself._

 _"At least you know you have a problem" Ross says, as if he can read her mind "That's the first step"_

 _"Hm"_

 _"Just talk to her, at least try. She might be able to help"_

I doubt it _Monica thought but outwardly she nodded._

 _"Thank you. Mom and dad are worried sick, so am I"_

 _"They have a funny way of showing it"_

 _"You know what they're like" Ross says "They don't like to show anything's bothering them. I heard mom crying last night"_

 _"Oh"_

 _They arrive sooner than Monica anticipated. She stays glued to her seat, not wanting to leave the relative safety of the car._

 _"Come on, please?" Ross says "If not for you, for me"_

 _Monica considers this, she didn't think anyone actually cared what she did. This was different._

 _"Ok" She says "I'll try"_

 _"Thank you"_

 _The building looks new, all red brick and big windows. The office she needs is on the second floor. She's called in almost straight away._

 _Too soon_

 _Too soon_

 _Too soon_

 _The office is quite nice, air con and tall bookcases full of old hardback volumes. She wonders if Alice, her therapist, has read them all._

 _"So Monica. It's nice to meet you. Today I just need to get to know you a little bit so a lot of questions I'm afraid but our next session will be more productive"_

 _An hour later she walks out in a daze._

 _"How was it?" Ross asks as they walk to the car_

 _"Alright. So many questions" She sighs_

 _"Does she seem helpful?"_

 _"She seems nice. I'll see next week"_

 _"So you're sticking with it?"_

 _"I am, at least for a few weeks"_

 _"I'm glad to hear that"_

 _During the drive back, Monica thinks._

 _Maybe she can go to therapy._

 _Maybe it'll be ok._

 _Maybe she can get better._

 _Maybe._

 _But does she want to? Admittedly she likes the attention, and being thin. She doesn't want to get fat again._

Ok _she tells herself_ if it goes too far, I can stop, I can throw up again. It'll be easy.

 _Perhaps._


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Sorry this is taking me so long to write! I struggling with motivation to do pretty much anything at the moment and focussing is hard but I won't give up on it i promise! Hope you enjoy :)**

 **Chapter 9**

Everything's black and white and she's not too sure what's happened over the past god knows how long. She's in hospital still and her friends are here again. Oh.

 _She fucked up._

She knew they'd find out eventually but why like this? She doesn't want to speak to them, or anyone but she'll have to. The doctors have figured it out and why else would she have passed out in the bathroom? She can tell they're suspicious already. She's heard the whispers, hushed voices echoing in the halls.

"Guys we need to talk" She says, breaking the silence that had encased the room.

Knowing looks are passed and Monica's nervous.

"I have a problem" And of course they all know what that problem is. No one speaks.

"Food. I just…I'm not eating right ok? I had a problem with it when I was younger and now it's came back but I know it's not healthy so I want to get better ok?"

 _Lies lies lies_

"You should have told me…us" Chandlers says.

"Yeah, we're here for you, you know that" Although all of them know why she didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry. It was stupid. This whole thing is stupid but it's ok. I'll sort it"

"Good. Maybe the doctor can organise a therapist. That seemed to work last time" Ross says.

"I want to sleep" Monica says "Please"

"Sure, the doctor says you can go home later today"

"Good"

They leave and Monica's alone.

 _They know._

It isn't so bad but she'd rather they didn't. Now she'll have to get better and she still has a few more pounds to lose.

 _She'll never be satisfied_

Maybe it won't be so bad

 _Maybe_

 _Perhaps_

Who's she kidding?

 ** _Flashback_**

 _2000 calories a day and they'll be happy. 1500 too many. She's watched after meal times and everything's so ordered, meal plans on the fridge including calorie content and stickers when she eats it. It's horrible._

 _Her whole life revolves around food again but this time actually eating it, and eating enough._

 _2000 calories will make her fat. 2000 calories is heavy and weighs her down._

 _But 2000 calories makes her parents and therapist happy so that's what she has, when she can. Sometimes she physically cannot eat any more but that's ok. 2000 is a lot, her therapist says, so long as you eat most of it._

 _She does and she hates herself._

 _More red lines drawn on with silver._

 _More visits to the little office. So much talking until there's nothing more to talk about. There's not much to say anyway. She doesn't like food. She doesn't need it._

 _She cries herself to sleep._


	10. Chapter 10

Monica's allowed to go home from hospital later that day much to her relief. Armed with a number of a therapist she feels better, slightly. The doctor had found out about her not eating and they'd had a long conversation which ended with her agreeing to therapy. It did help last time, sort of.

"Are you ok?" Rachel asks when they get home.

"I'm fine, just tired"

"No wonder, you've had a strange few days"

"Yeah"

"I'll cook tonight"

"Thanks"

 _No food no food no food_

Logically she knows she needs to eat, especially now they all know but she doesn't want to. She can't exactly make herself throw up, she can't risk ending up in hospital again.

Dinner's ready too soon and she's sitting at the table playing with her pasta.

"Just eat it" Rachel says.

"Yeah"

She puts a bit on her fork and puts it in her mouth.

 _Chew_

 _Swallow_

 _Simple_

Before she knows it she's cleared half her plate.

"Well done" Rachel says.

"Thanks"

Even so she only manages about three quarters.

After dinner she goes round to see Chandler. She's nervous, they haven't been alone together since that day in the hospital.

"Hey" Chandler says.

"Hey"

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired. I'm ok"

"Good. Did you eat?"

"Yeah, ask Rachel"

"No, I believe you"

"What d'ya wanna do?"

"I don't mind, we could watch a film? We don't have to worry about people finding out now"

"Sure"

They go into the living room and find some old horror film to watch. It does a good job of taking Monica's mind off everything.

 _She'd eaten too much_

After the film's over they go to bed. They lie there in silence, things unspoken between them.

"You know I'm here for you" Chandler says eventually.

"I know, thank you"

"Honestly, anytime. For anything"

"I know, I'm sorry you had to find out like that"

"It's ok, I'm glad we did find out. We can help you"

"I guess"

"It's for the best, you want to get better right?"

"I do"

 _She honestly doesn't know_

"Sleep now, you must be tired"

"I am, goodnight"

She shuts her eyes and drifts off.

 _Flashback_

 _As much as she hates to admit it, therapy is helping. She sees that she doesn't need to control everything and that she shouldn't be scared of food. She's sticking to 2000 calories a day most days and when she doesn't she's close. School's finished, she's got the grades she needs and will be starting cookery school soon._

 _That worries her slightly, she'll be on her own. Alice said she'd refer her to someone closer. That annoyed her. She liked Alice. Even so, there's part of her that can't wait to leave home._

 _She's still cutting herself though, she never saw it as a problem. It was only when she mentioned it casually at a therapy session she realised it might be. She promises to try and stop, throw away everything she uses to hurt herself._

 _And then she gets caught. She doesn't know how. A caught sleeve, an unwanted glance._

" _Mon, what's that?"_


	11. Chapter 11

Another day, another 3 meals.

Monica sighs as she plays with her cereal, she truly wasn't hungry.

"Have you phoned the therapist?" Chandler asks, it's only the two of them this morning.

"Not yet, today"

"Make sure you do"

"I will, I promise"

"Good, I can always go with you"

"Thanks"

Silence. Monica puts some cereal on her spoon and lifts it to her mouth.

 _You don't need it_

Chew chew swallow. Simple enough.

Without thinking she manages to eat most of it. She can feel Chandler's eyes on her.

"I need to go, I'm late" He says when they're done.

"Ok, I'll see you later"

"Bye honey"

"Bye"

He kisses her before leaving. And she's alone. The door opens and Joey walks in and Monica let's out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Hey" Joey says.

"Hey Jo, come for the usual?"

"Chandler told me to keep an eye on you"

"Not so good at being subtle"

"Yeah I don't know what that means, got any good films?"

"Have a look"

He does and chooses one, putting it into the video player.

"I'm watching you" He says

"I know, I'm not gonna do anything"

"Good"

There's not much else to do so Monica joins Joey on the couch and they sit, watching some old film from the 80's Monica didn't even know she had. She sighs. The bathroom was just there…so close…if only…but no! She had to be strong.

And call the therapist, yes that's what she'd do.

 _Flashback_

 _"Mon, what's that?"_

 _"It's nothing, don't worry"_

 _She doesn't even turn to look at her brother._

 _"It looked like something, show me"_

 _She sighs and turns around, pulling up her sleeve._

 _"I told you, it's nothing" She says._

 _"It looks like you did it yourself, it's so neat"_

 _Silence._

 _"Did you?"_

 _Monica only nods._

 _"Ah"_

 _"Don't tell mum and dad, Alice knows, I haven't done it for a while"_

 _"Ok slow down, I'm not gonna tell but you have to stop ok?"_

 _"Yeah, I will. I promise"_

 _"And I'll be checking"_

 _"Do you have to?"_

 _"Yes"_

 _"Fine"_

 _"Now come on, let's do something"_


End file.
